SNAP

Normally a creature of slow, deliberate movements, The Crab is capable of sudden and aggressive movement, particularly when his feeding mechanism is sparked. Using state of the art technology with ultra fast shutter speeds, here we see the moment during a formal dinner party, where The Crab notices a morsel of food hanging from the lower lip of a young lady to his right. Not wanting to cause embarrassment and acutely aware of the need to act fast, The Crab snaps his feeding filter around the offending crumb and swallows it all within the blink of an eye; the girl's blushes spared by the fast acting crustacean.

Summer 2009 - Sea Wheat

Although a marine creature by design, The Crab has always taken a keen interest in activities on dry land. With hours if not days of practical harvest experience, The Crab can often be found on the jellyphone to his East Anglian contact Mr B Turner. Whilst previous harvests have been somewhat hit and miss (see previous posts), Turner has increased investment in the farm, taking advice from some of the most respected names in agribusiness in order to maximise returns from his family run smallholding. On the back of advice from Dave Chuggwell (photographed above), Turner recently invested in a modest grain storage unit. Here we see a photograph of Turner with Dave, celebrating the opening of the grain store with a few friends prior to Harvest 2009.

The BMI in the BVI

Crabs first scuttled the shores of Earth over 250 million years ago. Today's crab must adjust to climate change and the global movements of pray species. The Crab is no exception to this rule. In the summer months, The Crab follows schools of sardines, whitebait (see earlier posts) and fillé-o-fish off the coast of Mallorca. During the winter and spring, when the Northern hemisphere is cooler, The Crab slides off to warmer climes and visits friends in the rich feeding grounds of the Caribbean, where he patrols the inter tidal platform, gobbling anything too slow to escape his clammy claws. Below are a series of photographs taken by Marsh (who now operates under a new name) in the British Virgin Islands during March 2009: 

  

The Mourning Mollusc

A sad moment captured on CrabCam - The Crab passes a local graveyard and recognises many old friends recently killed in a brutal off-shore marine attack just off Whitby. Here we see him paying his last respects to Louis the Lobster, Walter the Whelk and Samantha the Skate, all of whom pointlessly lost their lives in a this callous gastronomically fuelled killing spree.

Weekend Bolt Hole

The Crab has always believed in working hard and playing hard. After a week of life in the fast lane of Retford, The Crab frequently scuttles up to his weekend cottage in Whitby. Here we see The Crab having emerged from 1 The Pot, Whitby, YO26 4QL. 

The Compassionate Crab

When not working as a development consultant or helping with the horses (see 'Carrotgate'), The Crab enjoys foreign travel more than anything else. When abroad, The Crab is naturally drawn to the coast, where he loves nothing more than to enjoy local cultures, scuttling in the shallows and mixing with the native peoples. Here we see The Crab frolicking in the Mediterranean with a local boy.

Credit Crunch - Droitwich FarmGuard LTD

Close friend to and admirer of The Crab, David Chugwell (see previous posts) is not immune to the effects of the Credit Crunch. Even with a successful fencing and plant hire business, Dave has made the decision to take an additional evening job in order to keep the wolf from the door. Known for his courage and hard-line attitude to criminals, Dave has taken his role as the head of Agricultural Security for the South Droitwich area very seriously, helping many local farmers with a variety of night time problems.

Credit Crunch - Migrant Workers Suffer

The Snooty Greek MFH (Mostly Found Hunting) / AKA the Snooty Greek / The Snob etc, having held down a high powered job in central London for some time, is prudently keeping an eye on any emplyment opportunities, to ensure that he does not become a victim of the current economic crisis........ Not a natural mixer and easily unnerved in pressure situations, The Snob thought it wise to take advantage of UK equal opportunity laws, by arriving at a recent interview in his native dress. Sadly for him, Sav.ills are not recruiting at present and decided not to offer The Snob a position. 

Taxi Crab

Having driven since his teenage years, The Crab is responsible, focused and alert at all times when behind the wheel.

End of the Shooting Season - Left and Right for The Crab

In recent years, The Crab has taken a real interest in shooting and whilst he lacks the coordination necessary to become a truly competent shot, his enthusiasm and general joie de vivre, means that he is regularly invited to join shoots across the country. During his time at The Royal Agricultural College in Cirencester, The Crab was very much a newcomer to the sport. One evening The Crab was boasting to his housemates that he had successfully achieved a left and right at duck earlier that day - and that they were hanging in the shed - here we see one housemate shortly after visiting the shed and discovering that The Crab had misunderstood the sporting terminology and had devoured two plump mallard in quick succession, much to the frustration of Mr Steady Frank Thoroughgood who had shot them the day before.

The Crafty Claw

By clicking on the image above, a glutenous and disturbing scene will be revealed. The generous hosts of a summertime party kindly invited The Crab to join them near Droitwich Spa in the summer of 2008. That evening, with formalities out of the way, The Crab's eyes locked onto a chocolate fountain and it was not long before he scuttled along side this calorific dream and feasted upon its gooey goodness (left hand photo).
Later that evening, The Crab was reported missing and although numerous guests reported marshmallows mysteriously disappearing from their skewers after dipping them in the fountain, it wasn't until a young child (who refused to let go of his skewer) was dragged into the fountain (right hand photo - taken with an ultra high speed camera) that The Crab was discovered. The fountain was drained, only to reveal The Crab who had slipped into the fountain whilst guests were distracted by fireworks outside.

The Widest Whelk

With a very good Christmas behind him, The Crab noticed that his waistline was growing faster than Dave Chugg's bald patch and decided that something had to be done. Whilst a strict excerise routine was an option, The Crab opted for a more immediate fix to the problem - see photo above.

New Year 2008 - Heaven (Devon) is a place on earth

New Years Eve 2008/09 proved that the words of Berlinda Carlisle:"Ooh Heaven is a place on earth" to be entirely correct. In turns out that Heaven is located just off the M5, near Uffculme and the gatekeeper is an individual known as Trigger. As part of his role as head of www.farmersincrisis.com (see earlier posts), Trigger spent a quiet evening on New Years Eve. Here we see Trigger raising a toast to the New Year and to The Crab, who was not in Heaven and spend the evening on an inter-tidal platform on the outskirts of Whitby. 

Newsflash - Carrotgate 2009

REPORT JUST IN FROM DAVE, DROITWICH SPA - 11th January 2009 - The Crab is seen scuttling around the stables of his girlfriend Becky (yet to appear on Crabsworld) somewhere deep in Yorkshire. Bored and unable to assist with mucking out the horses due to a heart condition, The Crab investigates the feed room in search of a snack before going out for lunch with 'the parents in law'. With his exceptionally keen nose and eyesight of a vulture, The Crab spies a bucket filled with horse nuts and a lone carrot. Making a judgement call that the horse was probably getting plenty of fibre anyway, The Crab took the carrot in his pincer and quickly ate it. Minutes passed.... Becky shouted "Where did the carrot go from this bucket?" to which The Crab replied "Oh yea, I nailed it"........ Becky went pale and explained to Mat that the carrot had been hollowed out in order to disguise the powerful medication which her horse was currently undergoing to cure its rare 'Equine Parkinson's Disease".
Assuming that side effects would be minimal, The Crab, Becky and her parents went out for lunch. Half way through the meal, The Crab began frothing at the mouth and all blood drained from his face. Assuming that he was simply eager to have the mash passed from the other side of the table, the family ignored him, until he fell of his chair and began writhing on the ground. The Crab was admitted to Whitby A&E at 3.45pm today, only to be released at 6.30pm, having had his stomach pumped and been made to drink liquid charcoal to cleanse his system. Apparently the pills are not recommended for consumption by invertebrates and caused acute poisoning in The Crab's system his blood pressure dropped to a dangerous level. A swift recovery will hopefully follow. Becky was not to know that all edible matter should be kept well away from The Crab, as when blood sugar levels run low, he will consume anything organic - see earlier posts i.e. The Happy Snapper and Cheeseboard Cam. Ends.

Quality Control

Christmas 2008 - engineers from Crabsworld.com worked tirelessly over Christmas to capture The Crab during one of his most active times of the year.  Whilst many people are resting, The Crab has a seasonal contract with Quality Street, where he is head chocolatier and Crunch Consultant. Here we see The Crab preparing for the taste test and (in the last image) contemplating a Hazelnut Crunch which he believes is below the required crunch threshold.

White Bait

June marks one of the highlights of The Crab's dietary year, with the White Bait run along the shallow coastal water of southern England. This specimen was found washed up on the shore during a hot early summer's day in June 2008. Easily identified by his bleached white skin and lean frame, this nervous creature is rarely seen in direct sunlight, as it is prone to dessication.

Harry Potter and The Prisoner of Pillerton Priors

Mr H Horselife, a Warwickshire farmer (see earlier posts - The Muscles from Pillerton Priors etc) was recently savagely attacked by a clay pigeon. Reports suggest that Horsefly, who has a history with aggressive birds, was attacked whilst shooting in Shropshire. "The pigeon came from a nearby Hill" an onlooker said. Horsefly, not renowned for his physical strength, was unable to fend off the attacking disc and according to paramedics, lost nearly half a pint of blood (nearly two thirds of his body weight) in the incident. Thankful to still be alive, Horsefly is now left with a Harry Potteresque scar running down his pale forehead, which doctors say will remain with him forever.

Captain Crab

Although not officially the Best Man for T C Bamlet's Stag (see previous posts), The Crab was very much involved in proceedings, as his nautical knowledge and affinity with the water was invaluable on a Longboat-based Stag Do. Here we see The Crab deep in his comfort zone like never before.... pincering a pint on the side of the river.

Bamlet Stag Cont..

As mentioned in the previous post, Mr J Canby provided entertainment in the evenings at Bamlet's Stag Do. Revellers from the Greater Norwich area flocked to watch this unusual event. Here we see Canners executing the climatic section of his infamous Litino Street Dance set. Slowly, deliberately, Canners' arm was extended towards the onlooking crowd and then with a flick of the wrist, he drew a beautiful young local towards him to her obvious delight and swiftly concluded what was a memorable dancing event.

Is it a bird? Is it a plane?

The Stag Do of Mr T Bamlet was a Norfolk-based riverside adventure, attended by an unusual crowd of West Country farmers. During the daytime, Bamlet was towed behind a longboat in a Thomas the Tank Engine paddling pool. In the evenings, Mr J Canby provided entertainment (see later posts). Sunday 25 May was marred by one of the Longboats mysteriously coming free from its mooring in the early hours of the morning and ending up in the North Sea by the time the morning broke.

Clam Can (click the link not the picture)

There is no doubt that The Crab is currently on a high. In his private and work life, things appear to be under control. To mark these happy times and the onset of spring, The Crab and a small dancing band gathered at the weekend to express themselves via the medium of dance. Please click on this link: http://www.jibjab.com/sendables/share_view/zFOXF4PB31UqISvHiJSvqL5D

Hello?

Since leaving the south of the country, The Crab has kept an eye on his friends, taking great delight in their successes from afar. A recent success story is Matt's friend Tom who's sporting career is being overtaken my a musical one. Following a brief spell as an actor (playing the ship's cat in Red Dwarf) Tom then went on to play rugby, but quickly found that his flowing curly hair, thick mustache and astonishing vocal ability propelled him into the music industry. Here we see him on the front of his debut album - reportedly written for The Crab.

Krill Cream

Regardless of the state of the slopes, The Crab was in the Alps and ready to party. Always keen to maintain a slick external appearance, here we see The Crab preparing for a night on the tiles with a tub of his dermatologically tested and WWF approved Krill Cream™ branded hair gel.

Snow Bored

2008 marked The Crab's second skiing trip, the first having been in 2001 (which was marred by an incident with a Japanese tourist). Here we see the moment at which The Crab arrived in the resort, only to find his nemasis Henri waiting to greet him. The Crab was lured to the slopes after receiving a message from Henri reporting that the powder was incredible..... The two were clearly at crossed purposes, as The Crab noticed that Henri was pale and had clearly not been out in daylight for some months.

Down on The Farm

With the strength of the pound having a devestating effect on the UK farming industry, Trigger (see previous posts - Farmers In Crisis etc) is seen at the end of another weekend in London, after several intense meetings with his accountant and financial advisors. Trigger leads a somewhat hedonistic life and was told by his accountant and other advisors that he should spend more time at the farm..... taking this on board, Trigger headed to SW6 and spent several gruelling hours at The Farm (see photograph) in Fulham, eating a plump fillet steak.

Post-coital Crab

Coated in makeup (see previous post) and in a champagne fueled love rampage, The Crab was evidently successful in his quest to find a mate. Here we see evidence of this amorous event - the photograph can be enlarged by clicking upon it - note closely the object in the foreground....

Marine Marvel

In an attempt to lure a mate to within snapping distance, The Crab was photographed covertly applying mascara, lipstick and eye shadow to great effect.

Basking Crab

An opportunistic feeder at all times, here we see The Crab at a drinks party, feeding like the Basking Shark also pictured above. Profiteroles, canapes, sausages and prawns were seen to be sucked into The Crab - a very effective feeder in any environment.

Bubbles

Here we see The Crab proposing a toast to the brides and grooms, feeling particularly at home amongst the bubbles...

Engagements of Note

Mr Charles John Bickerton Evans recently announced his engagement to Miss Sophie Smith, with Mr Thomas Chugg (Dave) following suit a week later, by asking his girlfriend Miss Lisa Hutsby for her hand in marriage. Both raised in Worcestershire, the two grooms-to-be intend to wed in 2008 at a joint service just outside Droitwich Spa, with the honeymoons taking place in Bromyard and Kidderminster respectively. The Crab arrived in a traditionally festive outfit, armed with a bottle of champaigne to celebrate the occasion... raising a glass to the happy couples and then lowering it due to an athsma attack.

The Warwickshire Whelk - To Scale

Extremely rare, shy and nervous, here we see a photograph taken during very low light conditions (as it is said that he is alergic to natural light) of Huge Horsefly. Amazingly, here we see him photographed next to a standard size wine glass.

Crill in the Mist

Here we see two unmistakable silhouettes: in the background, The Crab, waiting to pounce on anything straying within snapping distance. In the foreground, we see Mr Huge Horsefly, almost indistinguishable from #4 peg(left of photo) on this drive.

Master of Ceramonies

With a glass raised to the chef and to Dave (see earlier posts), The Crab sings a sea shanty and scuttles off back into a dark corner.

Those left behind

With her eyes set on a set of babyback ribs, this planktonic figure shows her disgust as they are snatched from her eyes by The Termicrab.

Evans - Expensive taste

With squid and shellfish flying all around The Crabshack, a bystander took this photograph, as Mr Charles John Bickerton Evans was handed his most recent credit card bill, having let his girlfriend, Miss S Smith, loose for a spot of shopping in London, to get her out of his hair for a couple of hours.

Terminator

From an early age, it has been said that if The Crab is ever allowed to consume over 40 units of alcohol, he is transformed into a creature so terrifying that he represents a danger to all in the vicinity. In a scene remeniscent of the 1990s smash hit film, The Terminator, The Crab's eye, upon consuming his 40th unit, glows red and a rack of ribs, along with a poussin are terminated.

Side Order

Having finished the first course, The Crab quietly mentions to the staff that he would like a little more scampi.

Double Trouble

With competition for the food becoming increasingly intense and a drift net floating closer by the second, The Crab, with a flick of his claw, reveals his hidden weapon - a second Bib, enabling him to polish off all but the tiniest crumbs whilst others stared in amazement.