Playing the Field

Here we see a close friend of The Crab's (also called Matthew) enjoying a wedding party in the south of the country, having just told his previous lover to sling her hook because he wanted to play the field. It appears from the attached photo that he has been literally playing "in a field" as this young girl (who bears a strong resemblance to Sam Elliot from the 1985 classic film Mask) has an agricultural look about her.
Hilly (Aka) James Hill, who works within the same industry as The Crab also had an interesting evening at the aforementioned wedding. Photos to follow. 

Muscles from Butlers Marston

Although normally partial to oysters, the crab will also dine on muscles during the summer months. In this photograph taken from the Natural History Museum's archives, we see a small group of muscles growing in the wild. Shy and reclusive, this particular species hunts mostly at night, latching on to anything female, using his pale plumage to trick prey into a false sense of security before attacking with speed and ferocity. 

CLAYDAY!

Dressed in his dry suit, the crab gives the claw up to the crowd before producing a faultless performance in the Pool Shoot. 

KFC announce new menu

April 2006 - KFC announce new boneless chicken snacks. Not since Macdonalds 20 nugget tuesdays had the crab been so excited. 

Flexi Time

At 11.45pm, shortly after necking a bottle of export strength Pernod, Henri was heard to say "I need a holiday" and then collapsed on to a customer in Bananas. Henry was then moved to a seat where he had a power nap, awaking after an hour and a half to resume his job behind the bar. 

Immobilised

At 0230 hrs, Saturday 8th April '06, Ciril, a local vagrant and thief told Henry that as his car had been parked outside Ciril's mother's home for three and a half years, he had stolen all four wheels and would not return them unless a ransom of 400 euros was paid. Laughing at this threat, Henri said that he woudl simply buy another car. 

No Henry Club - new member

"Ohh pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease!"


"No Henry" 

After Snow Parties

Rumours that Henri's infamous after snow parties are beginning to damage his health are beginning to look more and more likely. 

Hmmmm

Here through a marvel of photographic technology we see, captured in perpituity, the momements just after Henri is asked by a customer in Banana Bar whether he shoots.

The Official Henri Poll - Please Vote!

"Oh please, pleeease?"
	"Ok"
	"No Henry"
Free polls from Pollhost.com

Body Matters

Worried about the frequent ''body shutdowns'' that he experiences, Henri wonders whether it is his diet (and not the 200 units of alcohol that he is consuming every night) that is causing the problem.

FCUKED

The after snow parties apprear to be taking their toll on Henri.... once a figure of health, Henry now displays the trademark yellow markings of George Best in his fifties. 

Special Report from Agents Mills and Morton

This was the scene that greeted agents Morton and Mills who had been sent on a fact finding mission to discover more about The Crab's arch enemy - Henri.

Arriving by the cover of night, M&M found Henri having a one way conversation with a hedge fund manager from Switzerland regarding the taxation system in Botswana. 

Prawngate - The road to recovery

Much to the delight of the coastguard and sea rescue team, marine biologists have confirmed that The Crab is recovering well. This photograph taken from a camera hidden in a bottle of mayonnaise shows that the Crab is now feeding quite normally once again. 

Prawngate - CSI

Here the author pieces together the evidence scattered around the scene of Prawngate, concluding that this was indeed a prawn related incident (PRI). 

Prawngate - Artificial Pincer

A marvel of modern medical technology, The Crab is provided with a prosthetic pincer whilst tissue for the damaged one is grown on the back of a laboratory rat at the Royal Agricultural College, in Cirencester.

Prawngate - Blood

Observed under a very powerful microscope, we see one of The Crab’s red blood cells. 

Prawngate

Here we see the Author carefully observing the Air Sea Rescue team as they work upon the damaged pincer. 

PRAWNGATE 2006

Whilst attending a springtime Point-to-Point in Hampshire, the Crab is involved in a freak prawn filleting incident. The Crab, in a low blood sugar induced feeding frenzy skewered one of his pincers with a knife. The coastguard were quickly alerted and a sea rescue emergency response team were mobilised. Once the Crab had been sewn up with four stitches, a researcher measured and weighed him, taking detailed notes of this rare specimen (shown in photo). Once tagged, the Crab was released and observed as he quickly returned to feeding. 

Henri le Gros

Rumours that Henri's weight has incresed as a result of his lavish lifestyle and infamous "after snow parties" have been circulating...... Agents Moreton and Marsh report that he even makes the full size Ducatti 540 VRX (which he rides around his apartment) look quite small. 

Untitled

An extreme and dangerous individual 

Le Snip

Later on that evening we see Marsh cutting off Henri's flowing locks which he has been growing since his arrival in the Alps in 2001.

Oblivious to the trimming going on to her right, Moreton exclames "I get it", as the punch line of a joke told earlier that day finally registers. 

The Golden Unicorn

Here we see special agent Marsh briefly letting her guard down and appearing to be amused as Henri tells her a story about his pet Pigmy Unicorn (just to the left of camera) as he lifts its tail with his right hand and tells the story of how his Great Uncle Theakston procured it from a band of savages during his grand tour of the empire in 1873. Note the expression on the face of the girl in the background who has heard this story many time s before.

Bubbles

Distraught from having his hair dramatically trimmed by special agent Marsh whilst special agent Moreton strategically sat upon him, Henri removes from the inner pocket of his Extreme Snow Vest, a worn, black, American Express credit card with the name Clifford Coxe Ltd written across the front. Holding the beer tap with his left hand for stability in his intoxicated state, Henry proceeds to spend his annual sock budget (approx €1800) on Bollinger, claiming that he needed a "pick me up"….. moments later, Henri was seen talking to a nervous exchange student from the Netherlands, to whom he was explaining the subtle difference between the land / air speed of a grouse and a Capercaillie in late August. 

Le Mullé Bleu

Initial reports from Crabs agents in the snow indicate that Henri has changed both physically and mentally. He is a bottom feeder, picking off weaker morsels - here he is stalking a cheese soufflé which has strayed from the pack.

Initial facts gathered:
Weight - 19.75 stone - an increase from his natural mass, caused "due to the altitude you idiot!"
Hair Length - somewhere between Meatloaf and Cher - necessary for catching knarly airs and to compliment baggy clothing.
Annual Expenditure - C x 2 (where C = Cliffords annual income). Recent excessive spending has been on socks, which he claims can only be worn once because "they start to make my feet feel funny".

Note - this research is being carried out by specially trained operatives. If seen, Henri should not be approached in any event. 

NEWS FLASH FROM THE DEEP

.
The Crab's arch rival Henry CoxE, aka Henri, aka Le Mullé Bleu has raised his ugly head once again. Now in his seventh season in Val d'Isére, Henri has intoduced himself to The Crab's boss (who was enjoying a week skiing). Henri, son of Clifford, family of Hollid, great grandchild to Great Uncle Theakston, has let slip a couple of tales from Crab's dark marine history, resulting in a thorough dressing down for Matthew from by the head of Land Acquisition at Crabs firm - Barnacle Builders. Reacting like a snapping turtle, The Crab has organised an operation to be carried out in a pincer movement by two agents. The findings of this dangerous mission will be posted on this site in due course