Down on The Farm

With the strength of the pound having a devestating effect on the UK farming industry, Trigger (see previous posts - Farmers In Crisis etc) is seen at the end of another weekend in London, after several intense meetings with his accountant and financial advisors. Trigger leads a somewhat hedonistic life and was told by his accountant and other advisors that he should spend more time at the farm..... taking this on board, Trigger headed to SW6 and spent several gruelling hours at The Farm (see photograph) in Fulham, eating a plump fillet steak.

Post-coital Crab

Coated in makeup (see previous post) and in a champagne fueled love rampage, The Crab was evidently successful in his quest to find a mate. Here we see evidence of this amorous event - the photograph can be enlarged by clicking upon it - note closely the object in the foreground....

Marine Marvel

In an attempt to lure a mate to within snapping distance, The Crab was photographed covertly applying mascara, lipstick and eye shadow to great effect.

Basking Crab

An opportunistic feeder at all times, here we see The Crab at a drinks party, feeding like the Basking Shark also pictured above. Profiteroles, canapes, sausages and prawns were seen to be sucked into The Crab - a very effective feeder in any environment.

Bubbles

Here we see The Crab proposing a toast to the brides and grooms, feeling particularly at home amongst the bubbles...

Engagements of Note

Mr Charles John Bickerton Evans recently announced his engagement to Miss Sophie Smith, with Mr Thomas Chugg (Dave) following suit a week later, by asking his girlfriend Miss Lisa Hutsby for her hand in marriage. Both raised in Worcestershire, the two grooms-to-be intend to wed in 2008 at a joint service just outside Droitwich Spa, with the honeymoons taking place in Bromyard and Kidderminster respectively. The Crab arrived in a traditionally festive outfit, armed with a bottle of champaigne to celebrate the occasion... raising a glass to the happy couples and then lowering it due to an athsma attack.

The Warwickshire Whelk - To Scale

Extremely rare, shy and nervous, here we see a photograph taken during very low light conditions (as it is said that he is alergic to natural light) of Huge Horsefly. Amazingly, here we see him photographed next to a standard size wine glass.

Crill in the Mist

Here we see two unmistakable silhouettes: in the background, The Crab, waiting to pounce on anything straying within snapping distance. In the foreground, we see Mr Huge Horsefly, almost indistinguishable from #4 peg(left of photo) on this drive.

Master of Ceramonies

With a glass raised to the chef and to Dave (see earlier posts), The Crab sings a sea shanty and scuttles off back into a dark corner.

Those left behind

With her eyes set on a set of babyback ribs, this planktonic figure shows her disgust as they are snatched from her eyes by The Termicrab.

Evans - Expensive taste

With squid and shellfish flying all around The Crabshack, a bystander took this photograph, as Mr Charles John Bickerton Evans was handed his most recent credit card bill, having let his girlfriend, Miss S Smith, loose for a spot of shopping in London, to get her out of his hair for a couple of hours.

Terminator

From an early age, it has been said that if The Crab is ever allowed to consume over 40 units of alcohol, he is transformed into a creature so terrifying that he represents a danger to all in the vicinity. In a scene remeniscent of the 1990s smash hit film, The Terminator, The Crab's eye, upon consuming his 40th unit, glows red and a rack of ribs, along with a poussin are terminated.

Side Order

Having finished the first course, The Crab quietly mentions to the staff that he would like a little more scampi.

Double Trouble

With competition for the food becoming increasingly intense and a drift net floating closer by the second, The Crab, with a flick of his claw, reveals his hidden weapon - a second Bib, enabling him to polish off all but the tiniest crumbs whilst others stared in amazement.

Super Crab

With Bib on and a juicy meal within snapping distance, The Crab displays supernatural strength and lunges across the table, allowing nothing to get in between him and the morsels scattered over the table. Note, his normal favoured food - Shrimp (pictured bottom left of this image) is ignored when tastier snacks are available.

Squid Viscious

Sensing that a feeding frenzy was about to ensue, a nearby member of staff rushed over to The Crab and put on his squid-proof Crab Protection Bib, used only for the biggest of meals. Rumours have been circulating for many months now that the Bib releases special powers within The Crab, although until now, this has been unsubstantiated...... some readers may find the next images disturbing.

The Crabshack

Research continues into Crab's world. Sightings are becoming increasingly rare, meaning that more elaborate 'honey traps' are having to be set in order to get close to this mysterious creature. Without doubt, the most regular sightings are recording on the Kings Road and in particular in The Big Easy Crab Shack. A platter of calamari, ribs and chicken was placed in a quiet corner of the Crabshack and just after low tide, the following image was recorded on a motion sensitive camera...... The Crab is seen scutting out of the dark, his sensitive snout detecting his next meal.

Deep Sea Dave

Dave - an old Salopian renowned for his open mind, trusting nature and lack of hair finds himself in a potentially dangerous situation during a feeding frenzy in which The Crab mistakes him as a lone shrimp and attempts to devour him. Like a python, here we see The Crab dislocating his bottom jaw in an attempt to swallow the smaller Dave whole. Thankfully Dave escaped shortly after this image was captured and reatreated to the protection of his native Droitwich Spa. Once great friends, The Crab and Dave now see very little of eachother. Heavy workloads and busy social lives are not issues for either of these males, but it appears that they now want different things from life - The Crab living a life of excess, fast women (so fast that he has not yet caught one), fast cars (see earlier posts - mercedes with rabbit) and a passion for jetsetting all over the world, The Crab has yet to settle. Dave on the other hand has ventured out of Worcestershire only twice and is now firmly settled, living a life dominated by an obsession for farm machinary and FM 102 The Bear.

A doer of good, a righter of wrongs, The Crab is always looking out for his friends. Upon hearing that his close friend Canners (see earlier posts) had be lured into the den of the dangerous Henri (see earlier posts), The Crab scuttled to the Hertfordshire Borders where he stumbled across this scene. Here we see Henri showing Canners his favoured QUALCAST COMMODORE (http://www.oldlawnmowerclub.co.uk/moms/mom.htm), often used in a popular Henri family game - Xtreme lawnmower racing. "The rules of the game are simple" Henri is recorded to have said... " You simply drink three bottles of Château Lafite Rothschild 1976 and drive the Qualcast as quickly as possible across the East Lawn..... The house record is 28 seconds".Eager to please and full of youthful energy, Canners fired up the Qualcast and shot over the fine East Lawn, rushing past the Unicorn enclosure and Dodo cage, ending up in the West Carp lake.
"Canners! Canners" Crab shouted as he ran towards the lake, casuing a comotion in the Dodo cage. The Crab ran to the edge of the water, ready to rip off his shirt and dive in to rescue his drowing friend. To the amazement of onlookers, the water began to boil with activity.....the fish, recognising Crab as a friend and eager to help, swam towards him to see if they could help. Having spoken Carp since he was spawned, Crab conversed with the fish, telling them what had happened and asking if they could assist in finding Canners. With a splash of fins and a mass of bubbles, the fish swiftly headed out into the lake and scoured its murky depths. Within moments, Canners had been found, allowing a quick rescue and after half a bottle of Jamesons, he recovered to full strength. A lucky escape, all thanks to The Crab - a true marine marvel.

Ocean's 11

During daylight hours, The Crab is an alert, focused and determined individual. The secret to his endless energy? .......11 hours of deep sleep every night. But this is no ordinary sleep; The Crab places a specially designed mask over his eyes , without which, sleep is impossible. Whether hanging from a barnacle covered dock or wallowing in a deep sea cave, the mask causes instant unconsciousness for 11 hours.








In the lion's den. Here we see The Crab in a deep sleep, dreaming of luscious kelp, krill and cuttlefish. An effective sleeper in any environment, we still know very little about this reclusive creature.

The departure lounge

With a wonderful holiday now at its end, Speckles and Canners bid The Crab farewell. The Crab, streamlined, bronzed and hungry for adventure scuttled down onto the inter tidal platform and with a wave of his pincers, slipped into the sea, leaving a stream of fine bubbles behind him. The trip back was frought with danger, perilous water, predatory sea snails and rival crabs, all making the journey very difficult..... but The Crab made it and was washed up on the east coast of England in late April and has since begun advising on marine development for a small firm of surveyors in Chelmsford.

Beach Bar

With the holiday having come to an end, embarks on a commercial mission to purchase some prime Bajan beach front property in order to realise his dream of becoming a bar manager. Canners is now believed to be residing somewhere in Barbados, running the above bar in which he claims to have the most extensive collection of whisky in Caribbean. Although consumption is said to have been very high at the bar, reports are that takings have been worryingly low and that Canners is going to recruit a new bar manager in order to boost the financial side of the business. Henri Banan Coxe is said to have applied for the job, believing that he has the necessary skill sets to drive the business into profit.... updates are expected shortly.

Crab at the cricket

An avid sports enthusiast, The Crab relished the opportunity to watch some of the enthralling action at the cricket World Cup which coincided with his visit to the Caribbean. The Crab was a gifted cricketer when at school, although his career was cruelly cut short as a result of an unfortunate incident involving him and the cricket tea which was supposed to feed two teams, but which mysteriously disappeared during an afternoon match in The Crabs lower sixth year.

Alarm Call

By draping a mackerel head over the end of the edge of The Crab's lair, Speckles managed to coax The Crab from his salty pit, into the fresh Caribbean air. Here, we see the magical first moments of The Crab's day, as he tentatively creeps out of his subterranean den.

Basement Apartment

The Crab asked Speckles if he would be so kind as to wake him in the morning, as he had forgotten his alarm clock. This photograph was taken just as Speckles opened the door to The Crabs room, only to find a bare space, in which The Crab has scratched himself a sandy retreat.

Home from Home

Here we see The Crab's absolute delight as he passes the reception of his accommodation block, noticing that they have re-named the hotel in honour of his arrival.

The Crab Mobile

The first job of the holiday was to pick up the hire car. The motor car provided had been selected by hire company to meet all of The Crab's requirements.