HOT or NOT

As part of ongoing reasearch into the mating habits of The Crab, an online experiment is underway. As the 'control' for this experiment, we have enlisted the help of the heart-throb from Halford, the Cassanova from Kineton - Mr Horsefly in order to determine exactly how attractive the Crab is to females.

Please enjoy the following genuine links:

http://hotornot.com/r/?eid=RYAENRH-EBE Horsefly (Control)
http://hotornot.com/r/?eid=RYAENMA-LQJ The Crab

CRAB MOVES TO ESSEX

The Crab has handed in his resignation at his place of work in Uxbridge after an unsavory calamari related incident in the office canteen.
The Crab is set to join a firm based in Chelmsford (due to its close proximity to tidal water on the East Coast). Chelmsford is just 10 miles to the east of Chipping Ongar and Henri's (see earlier posts) family seat - a magnificent hall with Medieval roots.
With much bad blood between Henri and The Crab, Henri has taken the decision to place his family home on the open market, as the proceeds will also help to subsidise his increasingly lavish lifestyle of skiing and 'after-snow' parties.
The property sale includes a v12 supercharged 6.5l 3 door Range Rover with 428,000 miles on the clock, port stained white leather interior, wanted by police in 8 UK counties along numerous outstanding warrants made by the French La Sûreté Nationale for speeding offences.

XXX Rated - Clapham Revisited

Crab mating usually takes place from June all the way until October. During courtship, the male does a dance waving his swim paddles. The female must be in soft-shell stage to mate. When the female is ready to moult, the male moves over her and holds her beneath him. The female then moves closer to the ocean and burrows in the mud for winter.
This image taken on Clapham Common in June 2006, seems to show the Crab involved in a phantom mating with another lustful male (see Postman Pat post from February 2007). It is important to note that this is the first time that such an incident has occurred and that the Crab does not involve himself in this type of activity on a regular basis and is actively seeking a female companion (see earlier posts).

Perchandising

As part of a hugely lucrative merchandising deal with Pakeman Catto and Carter and Loch Fyne seafood restaurants, Crabsworld is pleased to announce that themed clothing is now available for supporters of The World. Crabsworld's top taylors will be happy to meet your clothing needs. Simply email harrygladwin@hotmail.com to order a garment from our standard range or pehaps have something special designed for a loved one.

Crab Pot - Nature's Bounty

Marine photography has come on a long way in recent years. A movement sensitive underwater camera placed in tidal water off the south coast by students at Southampton University captured this image of a peculiar figure trapped in a lobster pot. The trap, which had been heavily baited with Haribo, was set after a strange figure had been spotted floating on the current and several infants clutching choc-ices had been snatched from lilos whilst swimming in shallow water. A DEFRA spokesman said that shortly after this photograph was taken, The Crab escaped and is believed to have scuttled inland towards Berkshire. If spotted, drop all confectionery and contact DEFRA.

Virgin ATLANTIC

Due to an unfortunate incident involving the water fountain at his former place of work, The Crab has had to resign and take up employment with a rival agent in Essex. As a treat, Teh Crab has hired a plane from his favourite airline (Virgin Atlantic - his second favorite being Cathay Pacific). The Crab's flight details:
Departure London (LGW) to Antigua (ANU) / Flight: VS033
Depart 09:00 Wednesday, 21 Mar, 2007
Arrive 13:40 Wednesday, 21 Mar, 2007
Economy seat 54H
The telephone number for LONDON GATWICK, South Terminal is +44 (0)870 000 2468 - they have a public address system incase anyone has any urgent messages to get to The Crab i.e. "Could Matthew Brouwer please come to the information desk and speak to Arhevbin Fayed and Bybeiev Rhibodie" (I‘ve just been fired, and bye-bye everybody)..... for example.

Please note that Crabsworld does not condone prank calling and recommends that you do not call Gatwick Airport as they will have plenty of other things to deal with.

Mussel Man

Rumours are spreading that The Crab has been taking dietry suppliments in order to enhance his looks. This recent photograph shows The Crab next to Mr Huge Horsefly (The skinniest man in Warwickshire) - when compared to previous images, it is clear that a radical transformation has taken place.

Marine Love?

The Crab has friends in numerous professions from fencing contractors, to postmen, to bar managers to the unemployed (see 'Trigger' in previous posts). Postman Pat (whose job cannot be disclosed for security reasons) is a longstanding friend of the Crab. The Crab, as a gesture of good will, has asked if Pat's quest for "adventures" with females could be publicised on The World.

Staff at CrabsWorld are more than happy to help out.... for further info on this strawberry blonde hunk, please visit: http://www.encounters.timesonline.co.uk/s/view/168785/n/6

Snappy Dresser - Horsefly

Rumours that Mr Huge Horsefly has gone off the rails have been substantiated. Easily led and frequently bullied, Horselife appears to have left his simple rural life for the seedy and sordid underworld of the Shipston on Stour swinging scene. Claims of JJ also being involved in this type of behaviour are looking more and more likely to be true as the previous post and photograph show. 

Tanned Tranny

Having recently acquired a girlfriend and aparently getting his life back on track, JJ The Spice King (The Crab's favoured asian cuisine advisor - see previous posts) is spotted showing his true colours at the Warwickshire Hunt AGM, having clearly misunderstood the dress code 'smart casual'. 

Warwickshire Hunt Panto '07

The Warwickshire Hunt Panto was a huge success, with everyone enjoying the show, until Mr Matthew Swift's cameo performance..... Shipston's theatre housed a capacity crowd of 250, with 249 of them thoroughly enjoying this scene (see photograph) in which Matthew attempted to make love to a dominatrix (I felt that the director had missed the point of a family pantomime). HOWEVER 1 lone viewer (The Editor) noticed that Matthew had taken his role slightly more seriously than even the director could have expected (see front section of Matthew's red pants..... 

Summer '06 - Harvest will wait

During a recent trip to the nation's capital, Mr B Turner (financial adviser to The Crab) is photographed moments after receiving a telephone call from a neighbouring farmer asking him how his harvest went. Turner quickly realises tha he has forgotten to harvest just over 8000 acres of wheat, due to a recent raft of pressing social engagements. 

Henri Injured

Anxiety has taken over The Crab as a result of recent news that Henri has sustained an injury as a result of a day's heavy drinking, an angry shop keeper and some ripe brie. This photograph (taken moments before the injury occurred) shows Henri identifying the brie..... the images which followed were considered too harrowing to show on crabsworld.
The reason for Crab's anxiety is that his nemesis Henri has threatened to return to the UK in order to recover from his knee injury in Chipping Ongar. Details of this potential return are sketchy at present.... further info will undoubtedly follow. 

Uncle Ronald

No website dedicated to The Crab would be complete without mentioning Uncle Ron, an important figure and role model for The Crab. Here we see a photo of Matthew aged 9, sitting with Uncle Ron, moments before ordering his usual Fillet o Fish meal™ 

Eats, Shoots and Leaves

EATS - with the precision of an executioner, The Crab decapitates a pork pie as it is offered to him by a local lad from Worcestershire.














SHOOTS - Wearing an outfit from the Coral Collection of his favourite taylor (AQUAscutum), the Crab blends into his surroundings like a lion

in the savannah.

AND LEAVES- After a wonderful weekend in Worcestershire, The Crab quietly slips away from the crowd and scuttles into a nearby brook....the only evidence left behind being a tweed cap which gently floated downstream.

Clay Pigeon Shooting

During a nocturnal clay pigeon shooting session, The Crab (who is inexperienced with a gun) decided to go clay pigeon shooting. Sadly, he had not been told that traditionally the clays are launched into the air and he caused significant damage to a friend's lawn when he fired upon a group of clays, having scattered them over the grass. Note - the Land Rover positioned behind the Crab which was invisible at night when The Crab was shooting and which was severely peppered by the over-excited Crab. 

Farmers in Crisis

Still in Worcestershire (see earlier posts), what had originally been planned as a quiet night turned into an evening of heavy drinking when the head of www.farmersincrisis.com Cornwall, arrived in his company car which is classed as an agricultural vehicle for tax purposes. 

Cheese Board Cam

As part of ongoing reserch into Crab habits, a variation on the commonly used 'honey trap' - the Stilton Snare is used to lure the Crab in for close inspection. Shortly after this footage was taken a Port Salut from Brittany was fatally wounded. 

Time Lapse Photography

A new feature to Crab's World, here we see time-lapse photography being used to capture the moment when The Crab spots a volavont which had strayed from its group. In an instant is it spotted, stalked, grabbed and devoured.


Lying in wait






The stalk














The attack














The Grab

Crabsailing

During a pieceful afternoon walk, the Editor heard a loud crash as a huge branch snapped off a nearby tree, swiftly followed by a plummeting Crab - the event captured expertly on a specially designed CrabCam. It later transpired that the Crab had been taking advantage of the first crop of Crab Apples in a tree and in an effort to reach the sweetest fruit, had ventured to the edge of a branch, causing it to snap. A lucky escape.