Uncle Ronald

No website dedicated to The Crab would be complete without mentioning Uncle Ron, an important figure and role model for The Crab. Here we see a photo of Matthew aged 9, sitting with Uncle Ron, moments before ordering his usual Fillet o Fish meal™ 

Eats, Shoots and Leaves

EATS - with the precision of an executioner, The Crab decapitates a pork pie as it is offered to him by a local lad from Worcestershire.














SHOOTS - Wearing an outfit from the Coral Collection of his favourite taylor (AQUAscutum), the Crab blends into his surroundings like a lion

in the savannah.

AND LEAVES- After a wonderful weekend in Worcestershire, The Crab quietly slips away from the crowd and scuttles into a nearby brook....the only evidence left behind being a tweed cap which gently floated downstream.

Clay Pigeon Shooting

During a nocturnal clay pigeon shooting session, The Crab (who is inexperienced with a gun) decided to go clay pigeon shooting. Sadly, he had not been told that traditionally the clays are launched into the air and he caused significant damage to a friend's lawn when he fired upon a group of clays, having scattered them over the grass. Note - the Land Rover positioned behind the Crab which was invisible at night when The Crab was shooting and which was severely peppered by the over-excited Crab. 

Farmers in Crisis

Still in Worcestershire (see earlier posts), what had originally been planned as a quiet night turned into an evening of heavy drinking when the head of www.farmersincrisis.com Cornwall, arrived in his company car which is classed as an agricultural vehicle for tax purposes. 

Cheese Board Cam

As part of ongoing reserch into Crab habits, a variation on the commonly used 'honey trap' - the Stilton Snare is used to lure the Crab in for close inspection. Shortly after this footage was taken a Port Salut from Brittany was fatally wounded. 

Time Lapse Photography

A new feature to Crab's World, here we see time-lapse photography being used to capture the moment when The Crab spots a volavont which had strayed from its group. In an instant is it spotted, stalked, grabbed and devoured.


Lying in wait






The stalk














The attack














The Grab

Crabsailing

During a pieceful afternoon walk, the Editor heard a loud crash as a huge branch snapped off a nearby tree, swiftly followed by a plummeting Crab - the event captured expertly on a specially designed CrabCam. It later transpired that the Crab had been taking advantage of the first crop of Crab Apples in a tree and in an effort to reach the sweetest fruit, had ventured to the edge of a branch, causing it to snap. A lucky escape. 

Global Warming Cont....

With his specially modified pincer protectors on, we see The Crab approaching another female in a visibly excited state - Note, the downward pointing pincers and the right flipper bending inwards, are typical signs This species in rut. This is the first time that such behaviour has ever been caught on film. 

Global Warming

An increase in daylight and rising temperatures as a result of El Nino have knocked The Crab's body-clock out of sync. Here we see The Crab attempting an early courtship display upon a receptive female in mid January. This behaviour would not normally be expected until March or April. 

CrabMobile

Upon arriving at a friend's house in Worcestershire, the Editor was horrified to see the Crabmobile parked in the driveway. Note the tell-tale claw marks underneath the number plate and the Crab's website details below. 

Chocolate Heaven in 2007

The Crab begins the year as he aims to continue with a light brunch of assorted confectionary.... much to the amusement of his bed partner aka Speckles. 

Cod Hull

New Years Eve 2006/2007. The Crab arrives in deepest Hampshire ready to see 2007 (The Year of The Crab) in. After several glasses of Babycham, The Crab brought out his party-piece Rod Hull impression to the amusement of the crowd.